Cowboy Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Jim and Bob

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.


"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

I Need a Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on their front door. The man gets up and goes to the door.

A drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asks for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!"

The wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

So the man gets back up, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark: "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"I don't see you, where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Placing Bets

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

"Your horse called."

Goat

This old boy shows up at his bedroom one night with a goat on a leash. He turns on the light and says, "Here is the pig that I have been having sex with"

And wife said back to him, "That ain’t no pig, that is a goat"

And the husband says, "I was talking to the GOAT!"

Everythings Gone

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........

"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too"

Corporate Lesson #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson #3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson #2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says,
"did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Telling the Truth

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would give her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked, "How will you know when the baby was born?"

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey, you received a very strange post card today," she said.

"Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meat balls, one without."

The Pregnant Lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident," I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Furturistic Motel

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head a nd surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, 25 Cents.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need, When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his dinger into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member...now with a button sewed on the end of it.

A Close Shave

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give yo u a close shave." The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!"

He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"

The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do."

Girls' Jobs

If a girl with big knockers works at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work?

IHOP

The Frog

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?

"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease............. and HE'S the s. o. b. who ran over my FROG!"

You must be Single

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

Ain't it the Truth

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work!"

Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,"What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.