Pillsbury Doughboy

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

A: Doughnuts

The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

On Pleasing Others

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

Dumb Blonde???

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.


The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Inventions

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid said, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the heck did you sell?!"

Kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid said, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.

Do Not Talk To My Parrot!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Student Nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical
procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him
a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e
- m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Redneck Mother

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues one by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin'. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

Biker Bar

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your mama's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine-looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your mama and she is good, the best I ever had!"


The biker's buddies are starting to get really angry, but the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and mutters, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your mama liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,

"Dad,.......Go home. You're drunk

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots Were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

State of the Art Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Lifesavers

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,
using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of
lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and
flavor. The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green.........lime,"

"Orange..........orange"

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."One little girl looked up in
horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Rectum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But, I always
buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came
in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container . "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".

New Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the
house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells,"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Ray. Should'a bought a
hat."

Cannibals

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One looks to the other and says, "does this taste funny to you?"

Ham Sandwich

A ham sandwich goes into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "we don't serve food here".

Circle Flies

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having a problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if
that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See,
they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a
horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies
though."