Wal-Mart Greeters

Two Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break. One turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 75 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, Really, a new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, No hair and I'm pretty sure I just wet my pants."

The String and the Spoon

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

No Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.? He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.? He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.? When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Dr. Notes #8

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,"I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't admit his name

Dr. Notes #7

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

Dr. Notes #6

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

Dr. Notes #5

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

Dr. Notes #4

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

Dr. Notes #3

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. SusanSteinberg, Manitoba, Canada

Dr. Notes #2

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

Dr. Notes #1

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

Adultery

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.

He paid for our new cabin cruiser.

He paid for our house at the lake.

He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold...

Keep the Lights Off

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated leisure device. Soft, wonderful and larger than the real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent jerk,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:



“I’ll explain the toy ……you explain the kids.”

Do What You're Told

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.


"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.


"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

The Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

Bill and Hillary @ Yankee Stadium

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at the Yankees season opener, sitting right on the front row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret
Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and
then shakes his head "no". The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a request from
the entire team, from the owner all the way down to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates.... and the agent tells him "Sir, the fans would absolutely love it!"
So Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want!
C'mere Hilly baby..."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, picks
her up, and tosses her right over the wall and onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you asshole! What do you think you're
doing! I'll rip your balls off and shove them down your throat!" She stops only when
she realizes 50,000 people are watching and going absolutely nuts. Fans are jumping
up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, high-fiving....

Bill is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never guessed how much everyone would enjoy
that!" When the agent doesn't reply, he looks at him and notices he has gone totally
pale, so he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first PITCH."

Male Chauvinist Pig

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

Smart Women

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, "if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab." So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver !!

Pregnant Blonde

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Monica Lewinsky

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.

Mexican Basketball

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

Importance of Correct Email Addresses

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everythiing has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!