Can I get a Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber, intrigued by the curious routine, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, wearing a smirk, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "your house!"

Childhood Deformities

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me your penis was the size of an infant!", she said. "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

Accident on the Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon makin several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think i just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Kinky vs. Perverted

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?


Kinky is when you use a feather. . . .


Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

Mental Hospital

The governor decides to visit the mental hospital to help boost public opinion. His campaign manager makes all the arrangements, coordinating the t.v. stations, newsparers, etc.

When he arrives, he is greeted and given a tour by the hospital administrator. As he is about to leave, the governor notices a hallway that he'd not been down. When asked, the administrator explained that the totally hopeless patients were housed there. The governor, sticking to his 'I care about everyone' moto, insists that he be allowed to see these folks also.

After being led down the hallway, the governor was shown three doors. The administrator took him to door number one.

The door was opened and the governor walked in. Inside, he found a man jumping around and swinging a flyswatter. He watched for a few minutes and then asked the fellow what he was doing. The patient replied," I'm John McEnroe and I'm practicing my tennis game". "When I get out of here, I'm going to win Wimbledon again". The governor shook his hand, had a picture taken and went to door number two.

The second door was opened and once again, the governor walked in. Inside this room, he found another patient who was swinging a broom. He watched this patient and asked him, also, what he was doing. The patient stopped ans replied, "I'm Jack Nicklas and I'm practicing my golf game". "When I get out of here, I'm going to win the Masters' again". As before, the governor shook this patient's hand, had a picture taken and went to door number three.

After the first two experiences, the governor was surprised to see a patient sitting calmly on the floor, indian style, naked and holding his hard-on in one hand while placing peanuts on the end of his erection with the other. The governor watched this for several minutes while trying to figure out just what this patient was doing. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, the governor asked the patient, "What in the hell are you doing?!". The patient, still sitting on the floor and calmly placing and then replacing each peanut, calmly replied, "Nothing, I'm just fucking nuts, they're never gonna let me get out of here".

Kind Hunter

A man and his friend were enjoying deer hunting season in rural NC near a black top highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took aim, before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed, "wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing i have ever seen, you are the kindest man i have ever known"

The hunter shrugged. "yeah well we were married for 35 years."

Do I Know You?

A guy goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?"

She replies "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh! are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said "No, I'm your sons math teacher."

Republican

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Bad News

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

Busy Woman

A woman married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

New York Suicide

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Leassons Learned from the Homeless

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this trying to go hunting somewhere instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I havent hunted in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, hunting, and sex."

Chicken Coop

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four then it would be a chicken sedan.

Guts vs. Balls

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

Two Black Eyes

On Monday morning, I noticed my co-worker had two black eyes, when I asked him what happened, he said he had gotten them in church the day before.

I needed him to elaborate on that and he said he was sitting in the pew when he noticed a lady walk by him with her dress bunched up in her butt crack, so he figured he would be nice and pulled it out. She punched him in the eye.

So I asked him how he got the other black eye and he said that he figured she liked it there so he put it back!

The Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off.
Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car
on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Wow, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him and he's lucky too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Search Team

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I speak with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to speak with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I speak with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No. He's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed and still whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

This Lady Gets Around

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Native American and she said, "only once," and he replied that that was all it took. Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"

This Kid has Nailed It

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those thieves deducted $95.00 in taxes

World War III

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".